I've quietly made it through the significant anniversaries of my diagnosis and first chemo day. Part of me wanted to celebrate these things and relish in the fact its all in the past, but thinking of these moments was tougher than I expected. In some ways it was almost easier to deal with things at the time, the phrase 'You don't know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice' is so true. When you are faced with an awful situation there is no choice but to pick yourself up and stride on, especially when there is a family life to maintain. But, after the fact its almost difficult to comprehend what happened. Its been recognised that some people actually experience post traumatic stress following cancer treatment, many people develop anxiety disorders or depression. I have definitely experienced all of these things to some extent, luckily only mildly but I have friends who are really struggling post-treatment and it's something I'd like to draw awareness to. During treatment you are surrounded by medical professionals taking care of your body and surrounded by the support and love of family and friends to take care of your mind. After treatment it's a bit like the rug being pulled from under you. Surprisingly quickly life goes back to 'normal' and everyone assumes you are the same as you were before. Someone has described it as a post war scene....the war is over and everyone's gone home but you are still left on the bloodied battle field picking up the pieces of your life.
Most days it is necessary to draw on a real mental strength not to dwell on what you've been through or become overly anxious about your health. It's also extremely common post treatment to have 'scares' health wise. The threat of the cancer returning is like a bad smell you've just got to learn to put up with. The worry is complicated by the uncertainty of what pains, swelling, cramps, breathing problems are due to damage from the treatment or side effects from ongoing medication.
Almost a year to the day from my diagnosis I found myself back in the ultrasound department awaiting a scan on a lump in my 'good' breast. Thankfully all was ok, but the experience was traumatic. The fear is a real fear, not paranoid or hypochondriac hysteria, it is just reality. I have a group of 16 amazing women who had chemo at the same time as me for Breast Cancer, I think just about all of us have now had additional scans for one thing or another, it seems to be all part of the post treatment life. Believe me, its not because we miss being in a hospital!!!
So, it's been a turbulent few months. I do have short bouts of exhaustion but overall I feel I have fared pretty well on that front and generally feel quite strong and back to normal energy levels. I have enjoyed getting back to work, but it has been difficult getting used to the general business again. Adrian and I have barely spoken to each other since August and so it was such a treat to go away last weekend for a special weekend break that was arranged for us by a wonderful charity, The Willow Trust. I really can't begin to imagine what this year has been like for Adrian, he has had to hold it all together and maintain normality for the children. He has reached and gone beyond the point of exhaustion. The weekend gave us both the opportunity to be together and completely stress free, it was wonderful and much needed. Yet another charity I will be fundraising for next year.
So now it's Christmas and I will be going to Scotland on Saturday for a week.....its been 18 months since I've been 'home', the longest period of time outside of Scotland in my life! Last Christmas is a blur, I have vague memories of enjoying watching the girls play with my niece and nephew. I mostly remember being extremely tired. Everything tasted disappointingly of cardboard and chocolate tasted salty! New Year was pretty much dominated by a week of no sleep due to extreme pain in my face, I remember that vividly, funnily enough! Needless to say, this year will be very different. I want to see and spend time with as many people as possible and I will be enjoying every little tasty morsel with my fully functioning taste buds!!! I write this blog now more for myself than anyone else, it is my little bit of therapy, but if you are reading then I wish you a very Merry Christmas and health and happiness for the year to come.
Instead of Christmas cards this year I have made a donation to Shine Cancer Support.
