Three weeks ago today.....

Wow, can it only be three weeks?! Three weeks since my little world shifted slightly.  It seems like a much longer time span but t the same time is no time at all.  Certainly, I think it will take longer to fully accept the situation, this is a gradual process, happening a little each day but really trying to focus on short rather than longer term situations/ decisions / concerns makes it all more manageable.

I have been told repeatedly over the last few weeks how strong and brave I am, even inspirational.  Really, I am none of these things.  When something monumental happens to change your life you cope the best way you can, there is no choice.  The fact is this is a blip in my life, not the end of it (I hope!). It may change things slightly for the future but I fully intend to return to my normal life as quickly as possible.  I am helped in this path by two little girls who are both ignorant and innocent of all that is going on (thankfully), they don't see me as brave or strong or ill or tired, just Mummy, and they need me to contine to be that role.  I am thankfully that the daily tears and tantrums from my little drama queens, whilst exhausting (especially for poor Adrian who has to pick up the strain!) keep the normality of my life.  Of course there is the love and laughter that goes hand in hand with the tears and tantrums and that helps too :-)

If I inspire anyone to do anything I wish it would be to do all you want to do, be all you want to be, love everyone you want to love.  Coping with bad situations in life is not hard when you don't have a choice.  The hard things in life are deciding to push yourself to be who you want to be, step outside your comfort zone, don't put big things off for later, live life now.  I'm not saying this because I have cancer, this is what I really was doing, I am very happy in my little life.  We took a leap in the dark and bought a boat, three weeks ago too as it turns out, it had been our dream for a long time.  I can't wait for our first adventure, which is the only thing in my life that has been disrupted by all this, but hopefully not for long.

So, there you have it, my middle of the night ramblings, I'll blame the steroids which I should come off tomorrow.  I might then get more sleep and spare you the jumpled thoughts of my chemically enhanced brain!

Up and about and feeling good

I almost feel normal today, apart from the mad panic attack like feelings which I have finally narrowed down to being withdrawal from cutting down on steroids and also side effects of one of the anti sickness meds.

Being encouraged to go out for a walk helped immensely and while out and about I actually felt myself again.  Held it together all day and managed to get the kids to their birthday party and stay until the end.  A small achievement but it means the world to me at the moment.  Thank you to the lovely people who have shared my day and perked me up no end :-))))

Still nauseous but finding things that work, unfortunately mostly including eating unhealthy things like white bread and crisps!

How am I doing today???

I have had this message via FB or text or phone at least fifteen times today......if one was you,  don't feel bad and don't apologise, I know everyone is thinking of me and It makes me feel very loved knowing that you all want to hear I am ok.

The fact is I am pretty floored, I feel sick constantly which I can handle as I spent most of my pregnancies in this way.  But I get exhausted doing the smallest of things and this is frustrating beyond belief to me as when I am ill I like to get on with things and take my mind off it.  I HATE lying in bed.

I did carve a tiny weeny pumpkin with Isla and made pumpkin cookies though :-)  and Abi went out with a friend and came back with the most enormous pumpkin ever.  Her and Daddy carved it tonight.  So we have a giant dog pumpkin and a baby cat pumpkin.  Both girls super excited about their friends Halloween birthday party tomorrow.

More poking and proding

So, what did I need after such an eventful weekend?  Well, a day in bed mightn't have been too shabby but instead I was treated to a day of hospital outpatient appointments!  Why they couldn't have scheduled theses at a different time than two days after chemo is beyond me but apparently hospitals just don't work that way, the referring doc sends a request to the appropriate department and  they just send you an appointment.  Unfortunately the effect is that you feel like an object rather thn a person.

So first up today was cardiology, not been to that department before, it was at the exact opposite end of the hospital from the outpatient department, so about a mile walk!!! (Not really but seemed like it the ways was feeling).  There I had an echocardiogram, basically an ultrasound of the heart, they checked all the valves were working as they should and measured the thickness of my heart muscles.  Adrian got to see really cool pictures of venous and arterial blood flow which I unfortunately missed as had to be facing the opposite way - gutted as it was wasted on Adrian!  I got to hear blood going through each of my heart valves though, that was pretty cool.  All was good and as far as I know I'll have a few more of these throughout to check no adverse effect on the heart from the chemo.

Next on the agenda was an ultrasound, we had no idea what this was for despite trying to find out at chemo on Friday.  It turns out it was to put a marker into the middle of the cancer tumour - yikes, didn't like the sound of that after my bad experience of the biopsy.  However, it turned out not to be to bad.  They gave local anaesthetic first then made a cut and inserted a needle with a kind of metal coil on the end, after it was in place I had to go for another mammogram to check it was all in place, then that was that.  So, sore boob for another week or so again but the purpose of the marker is that if we have the best possible outcome and the chemo shrinks the tumour then they can see where it was when they have to remove the tissue.  So, lets hope this happens for me. Nasty chemo stuff, do your magic.  Nausea I can deal with. :-)

Being looked after

My girls are throwing themselves into the doctor and nurse role play with full force........Abi is learning quickly from Doctor Grandma and as just come up to nag me about whether I have taken my medicine before I ate my dinner!  Isla came to administer the stickers for ' good going to the Doctor Mummy'. :-)

Not the best start....

As expected I responded quite dramatically to the chemo....I was prepared for sickness and vommiting as I know I was prone to it in both pregnancies.  Just wasn't quite prepared for the sudden onset and violence of it all.

I was totally fine for the first 4 hours, then started to feel a little queezy, then within half an hour started vommiting, this contined every half hour to 45 mins.  I had been sent home with two anti sickness drugs and a box of injections to be administered by the district nurse if it didn't get under control.  Unfortunately, being the weekend, the district nurse didn't contact us as promised so after a call to bournemouth hospital my mum gave me the injection (which, those of you who know her will not be surprised, she was planning to do anyway with or without permission....she is a doctor so not too outrageous a plan).  Anyway, that did nothing so I was sent to Poole hospital as bournemouth no longer have an inpatient onco ward.....not the best trip to make from here while sick, about forty min drive :-(  After a couple of hours faffing around I was finally given another injection and put on a drip at about 4 am, that finally did the trick and the vommiting stopped.

Have been wiped out and on a drip to replenish fluids for the last 24 hours but am now home and all more under control.  Still nauseous but no more than in pregnancy so am used to it.

Needless to say its not been a great start but hopefully I'll recover over the next few days and feel a bit more normal.  Thank you so much for all the support from so many people, the messages, help with the children, offers of help and support, and just kind words and love and hugs.  It is all so very appreciated and makes me feel stronger to know there are so many people behind me. 

Love to you all xxx

Survived first Chemo

I made it!!  Chemo number one down :-) And I'm still me - I've not turned purple or developed green polka dots or anything!  It was possibly one of the most terrifying experiences of my life, but it was just the thought of it all, once the drugs were actually going in it was fine, and you can't feel anything.   It was slightly disturbing watching the nurse pop six little white pills and two large yellow ones into a plastic cup and then expecting me just to take it.......no, no, no ,no, I had to know exactly what they were and what they were for.....then of course I did take them because I had to, but I wanted to exert at least a small amout of resistance!  So the big ones are strong anti sickness and the little ones were steroids to stop inflammation and for sickness too.

Then they brought out the chemo drugs- blimy, what a lot of liquid to go into one person.....three massive big syringes full (200ml each!) of pink stuff - this is the one that's gonna make me bald, and also make me pee pink for a few days :-), then goes one large syringe full (200ml again) of clear drug.  All followed by desert of a bag full of more clear liquid, the final drug.  This last one made my nose and sinuses burn, but that was the only effect during the whole thing and it only lasted about twenty minutes.

I have been sent home with a bag full of different pills for sickness and vommiting which I have to take over the next few days to keep on top of it.  For now, I feel fine but side effects tend to kick in after a few hours or the next day.

Feel good that its all over, next time will be a breeze.

To end with something nice, here is me this morning with my new haircut that everyone seems to love, I've had lots of compliments, thank you all. Xxxxx

Hair today....gone tomorrow

Cut my hair myself with a little help from Adrian.  I had to have plaits of at least 7 inches so that they could be donated to the little princess trust which is a charity who provide wigs for children who have lost their hair.

And the finished product.......

Fit as a fiddle.

Fit as a fiddle, where does that phrase come from?  Does anyone know?  Anyway, following all my tests yesterday, that is what I am....in tip top condition.  And after my dentist trip today my teeth will be too.  Hooray, all set for the poisonous chemicals!

Today is probably going to be haircut day so here are the 'before' shots

T minus 1 day

It really feels like a countdown now, but I know already that Friday will probably be such an anticlimax.  At the moment it feels like on Friday I will become a different person, no longer be me, I know logically that that isn't true, but I can't help feeling it.  I was reminded today the importance of just having fun and how good it was to hang out with friends (you know who you are and all stories will remain confidential!!!!!!).

No doubt this whole thing will change me, but I don't really feel the need to be changed, so frustrating, for once in my life I am happy with being me.  While (or should it be whilst??, im sure my English teacher friends can correct me!) chatting to a close friend a few months ago, I was saying how happy I was, and how I had decided to live life in the moment, and seize every opportunity, how I had decided to step outside my comfort zone and do things I had always wanted to, like take singing lessons.  Adrian and I had decided, even though it was perhaps not financially the most sensible thing to do, to buy our new boat, because you only live once. We knew we would eventually get this boat so we thought, although it might stretch us, lets just do it now, while the kids are young, and enjoy it.  I didn't need cancer to teach me to live life to the full, I had already decided to  do that.  But, who knows, maybe there is another life lesson I am destined to learn.  I am always open to learning more.  However, I hope I don't change too much through this experience, because I kind of like me just the way I am.  Sorry if that sounds self conceited but that's just the way I feel.

Ps, I have just written this under the influence of a whole bottle of procecco so I reserve the right to deny anything just written!!  Also I will deny the fact that I dared drink alcohol 48 hours before chemo to any oncologist I may come in contact with!
X

A busy day!

Well following my mini shopping spree (spent way to much on silly things like over priced socks from fat face) I went for my appointment at the Chemo ward.  The nurse was lovely and talked me through everything.....skip the next paragraph or four if you don't require the details!

So, I'll be having three cycles of FEC which is a combination of three drugs...fluorouracil, epirubicin and cyclophosphamide. Then three cycles of Docetaxel (commonly called Tax). Each cycle is 3 weeks.  Each drug has its own unique side effects but the common ones are:

nausea and sickness, apparently if you are prone to travel or morning sickness you are more likely to be hit hard by this......that'll be me then, six months of nausea with both girls and vomiting for a lot of that!  At least I know what to expect and I've been through it before and can do it again, just a shame there is not the reward of a cute little baby at the end of it!

Fatigue...this can come and go but can get worse as a cumulative effect over the whole period.

Hair loss...I asked and it is pretty much guaranteed on this combo of drugs....interesting fact, you can actually loose ALL hair by the end, even the hairs in your nose and ears!!!  There is the option of a 'cold cap' to try and save your head hair.  This involves wearing a helmet with frozen liquid in it (basically a giant ice pack) on your head for  an hour before, during and up to an hour after chemo.  Apparently it hurts, a lot, for the first ten mins and then goes numb.  The idea of it is to restrict blood flow to your scalp and therefore give some protection to the hair follicles from the chemo.  I think I am going to politely decline this little delight for several reasons.  I think freezing my scalp can't be good for it (not that chemo drugs are either but I have no choice in that).  I think freezing my hair
won't be good for it- mega frizzy bad hair day.   If I want to try to save my hair I'll need to only wash it twice a week so it will look manky most of the time anyway.  Finally, after some research it often only works partially anyway so you end up with bald patches and those with thicker hair tend to have less success because basically my thick curly mass is going to insulate my scalp quite well and it probably won't be cooled enough.  So I have resigned myself to loosing it, apparently from day 14.  I'm cool about it though, I've often had urges to shave my head and wondered what it would be like, never had the balls to though so now life is giving me that opportunity!  The only thing that slightly terrifies me is that it grows back differently, which is possible, after wishing my hair was any other way than it is for the majority of my life I had actually come to quite love it over the past few years.  Can't imagine having straight hair, but we'll cross that bridge later.

Wow, I seem to have written a lot about hair!  It's weird that this is the thing people are most traumatised about with chemo.  I guess it's because it's the thing that really makes you LOOK sick and like a 'patient'.  I may feel differently when it actually happens, but for now I'm ok with the idea.  Not so much with the thought of a wig though!  Have declined that avenue too, for the time being.

There are additional side effects when it comes to the Docetaxel but I'll bore you with that when I switch on to it!

So, after my visit to chemo ward, I had the delight of the dentist, and guess what?.......I have to go back on Thursday for a filling.......you have got to be kidding me!

Tomorrow I have 'pre-chemo assessment'. I will have this every time.  I have to go to pathology for blood tests, then x-ray department for chest x- ray to make sure no infection, then cardiology for ECG, then up to chemo ward again for height, weight, blood pressure and a catch up with the Oncologist!  Bournemouth hospital is all on just two levels so all this running between departments is a real work out and you need a degree in orienteering just to find your way around!

After all that (and the filling on Thursday) I should be all set for Friday.  The good thing about them doing all this before hand is that on the day I just need to have bloods again (don't ask me why they take it on wed as well) then the actual chemo which should take about an hour, so if I don't do the cold cap I will be in and out in a couple of hours.

My mum is here now and diligently reading through all the bumf (is this a real word?) I got given......then I predict going to criticise, argue or rebuff at least some of it :-)

Back on track

Bad day yesterday, well and truly run over by the reality truck :-(  However, after a reasonable amount of sleep, in comparison to the 4 -5 hours I have been getting over the last week, I feel much better this morning.  Back to feeling in control of the situation again.  There were tears and tantrums a plenty yesterday but thankfully back to the love today.  I’ve had more lovely messages of support and people offering to help in any way they can.  My Mum is coming down by train from Edinburgh today so she will come with me tomorrow for the pre-chemo stuff and will also come for my chemo session on Friday.  Hair will get cut Thursday sometime – need to find someone brave enough to do it for me, not sure I trust Adrian or my Mum (sorry guys!).  Still undecided on cold-cap but it needs cut either way.

At 12 o’clock I’m off for my ‘tour’ around the chemo ward and to find out about....stuff...!!!  I’ll fill you in later when I know!  For now I’m off to White Stuff to spend my Birthday voucher from my brother and find me something fabulous to wear to cheer me up :-)))

Hit by the reality truck

Well, I had had it all planned out, spend this week relaxing, having fun (between the various appointments), seeing friends, then a lovely weekend away before starting  the long haul of ‘Treatment’ next week.   Then......... a phone call from chemo nurse shattered my happy little bubble of positivity.  They have me booked in for a ‘tour’ of the chemo ward tomorrow, then pre-chemo assessment on Wednesday (no idea what that involved but makes me anxious) then booked in for cycle one on Friday......Ahhhhhhh.  Talk about a reality hit. 

So, there goes our lovely weekend, Black Pearl will be having her launch without us :-(  I know it’s not the end of the world, we can hopefully go to Plymouth in a couple of weeks when I’m over the worst and before cycle two.  But, I was quite happy to live in normality, and perhaps a little tad of denial, for another week.  I am not at all prepared to start this journey, not that I suppose there is anything you can do to prepare.  About the only thing I can do is cut my hair – even if I choose to try the cold cap (will tell you about that later) to try to save as much hair as possible, they still recommend you cut it short to help prevent loss and also so you don’t get clumps of hair in your mouth when it falls out at night (nice huh?).  But, again, I thought I had at least another week before the big chop but now I have to fit it in sometime this week amongst all the other crappy appointments!  Having a sad day :-(

Feeling the love :-)

I have spent the majority of today composing and sending emails/messages to my wonderful friends who I had yet to tell and my lovely Tiny Talk families (over sixty this term) who attend my classes every week.  I have been totally overwhelmed by the messages of love, support and kindness from everyone.  Once again, all I can say is, I am truly blessed.  I am hoping to be able to continue with my classes some weeks but for now I am having a three week break so I can get started on the chemo and see how I feel.  As I made a mistake, and miss read the letter, I have an unexpected free day tomorrow - my echocardiogram isn't until next Monday.  It seems really strange not to be packing the car this evening for my 2 Tiny Talk classes tomorrow.  I'm going to use the free time tomorrow morning while Isla is in nursery for a run....may as well keep fit whilst I can!

Love is all you need.......and a wee bit of chemo, surgery and radiation!

We have now told most of our friends and family the news.  This has by far been the hardest part of this whole crappy thing so far.  If I didn't speak to you personally, please don't feel it is because you are not important to me because each and every single person in my life is more important than ever to me right now, it is you all that are going to get me through this with a smile still on my face ( no pressure there then :-)).  It's just that I have had time to come to term with this and now every time I tell someone it's like going back to that moment I was told all over again.

It looks like I might not start chemo until next week.  I have a ridiculous amount of appointments to get through this week first - honestly, I really don't have time for all this in my life, doesn't cancer know how busy I am?!  So, I have to have an echocardiogram because chemo can damage your heart muscle cells....I did quiz the oncologist to try to find out exactly how this happens and why specifically the heart muscle is effected and not other muscle (told you I'd be over enthusiastic with the science), but, alas, he was a bit vague and waffally in his response (ie he doesn't know).  Any of my medical friends, please feel free to enlighten me :-). Then I have te dentist on Tuesday because chemo can play havoc with your mouth and lead to infections etc (nice) so I have to make sure my teeth are in tip top condition before I start.  I tell you, it's amazing how you can get an appointment at the drop of a hat when you tell them you have cancer, usually it's at least 6 months ahead! Then I have an appointment Wed with the oncologist, I am assuming to talk through the how, what, when of chemo, but I don't really know because they like to keep you guessing it seems!  Then Thursday I have a flu vaccine because chemo kills your white blood cells so you are more prone to catching infections (winter is not the best time of year to have chemo!).  Then at some point this week I should be having a CT scan.

But, fingers crossed, after all that, I might actually be able to go to Plymouth this weekend to see our new boat for the first time :-). We were in the process of buying a boat when all of this happened and as it turned out we actually finalised payment for it the day after my biopsy.  We are now the very proud owners of a Fisher 30 called Black Pearl :-)))). Hopefully I will be ale to post some pictures after this weekend, I'm very excited.

Diagnosis

A week ago I was told the shocking news I have breast cancer.  I have just turned 36, have no history of breast cancer in my family, breastfed both my children for over a year........I tick all the boxes for low risk.  If you are a woman, before you read anymore, go and check your breasts, and keep checking regularly for any changes.  It is rare but it DOES happen in younger women, for no rhyme or reason.

My purpose for writing this blog is to keep my lovely family and friends up to date with what is happening without the need for me to relate the same info over and over again individually.  I am truly  blessed to have amazing people in my life...unfortunately many of them live at great distance and, indeed, across the world, so an online blog seemed the most appropriate communication tool.  Obviously it is possible others who don't know me personally may be reading this.  I hope that others going through the same battle with breast cancer may, in the future, find any info I post here useful, I have gained so much already from reading about others journeys.

So, here we begin........I have had a stressful (to say the least!) week waiting for my biopsy results which Adrian (hubby) and I went to hear yesterday.  Be warned now - those that know me well will not be surprised - this WILL get technical because I have a love for science and medicine and an overwhelming need to know exactly how things work...... Cancer, and killing it, is going to be no different!  If you are a 'no details required' type of person then please feel free to drift off while I waffle on and just watch out for the summary at the beginning or end of each post!

My diagnosis is Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, I have a 39mm tumour (relatively large as these things go I think, but could be worse) in my left breast.  The plan so far is chemo, followed 
by surgery (of unknown severity at this point) followed by radiotherapy, probably.  I find comfort in the fact that this is a 'bog standard' kind of breast cancer (common, you might say, but I'd rather not be!). Again, those that know me well know I never like to stand out from the crowd too much ( that might be harder when I have no hair!).  But, the fact that it is a frequently seen Breast Cancer (from now on referred to as BC to save me from writers 
cramp) means they have a very standardised approach to treating it and know which chemo drugs are likely to be most effective.

That's about all I know for now.  I should find out about hormone and protein sensitivity at some point but I'll explain that to you another day ;-). For now I just want to say Thank you for all your thoughts and best wishes, the best thing you can do to support me is to treat me as normal not as though I am ill because I am not - I am fit and healthy - I may not be in a few weeks but I am just now.  Anything you can do to make me laugh or smile would be appreciated.......love and laughter is definitely the best medicine (although I will be going down the conventional medical route too as I do believe in Science :-))