Sorry for the radio silence again.  I didn't really want to keep posting negative things about horrible side effects as I'm sure everyone, including me, is bored of reading about that by now.  This week has followed much the same pattern as my my last two Docetaxel cycles.  I felt pretty good the first weekend and got out and about a bit.  Then a slow decline until the second weekend which I spent on the sofa or in bed.  I felt a bit better this morning and hopefully will get stronger again through this week.

Everything has been so much easier to face knowing that this is the LAST time.

I have purchased a few wigs.....I've not really been in favour of wigs but I'm getting fed up with hats and scarves!  My hair is actually growing at quite a pace now so another few months and hopefully It will be warm enough weather to be naked on top,   For now though, here are my new looks.  My fav is the last one :-)

Feeling great today :-)

Have had a great day.  The extra week recovery has obvious stood me in good stead going into this final chemo.  We've been out today while its been dry, in between rain storms, took the girls to pay park, fed swans by an overflowing lake and took them on the toy train.  Isla was delighted to be out and about as she's been mostly indoors for the last week since the weathers been so terrible.

I've received another mystery parcel, thank you to my generous, anonymous friend, it always puts a smile on my face.

And thank you to Susan and Graham and Matthew and Kathryn for my gorgeous flowers, as you can see they are very well coordinated and look and smell beautiful.

Feeling suitably spoiled and tired tonight :-) :-)

Done :-)

All go for chemo #6 tomorrow

All go for tomorrow......I can't explain the mix of emotions, its all a bit surreal and conflicted. 

I'm absolutely relieved to have got here finally, and unbelievably happy to only have to go through the poisoning and results of poisoning one final time....I can face anything if it's the last time!  I can't quite comprehend that life will soon no longer be lived on a three week cycle.  I feel like I have lived this way for far longer than I actually have.  As a result, I am almost apprehensive of a non-cyclical life!  I have anxiety over what comes next, I've not really spent much time about it, I've just been consumed by the cyclical life of chemo and making it through the next week/day/hour/minute.  I know that physically I am over the worst but psychologically there's probably still a battle ahead.  Overall though my strongest emotion just now is relief and excitement.  In a couple more months I might feel some resemblance of 'normal' and hopefully be able to taste things properly again, chocolate may no longer taste disgusting - now that is exciting!

I don't know exactly what challenges are still to come, but this part is ending and I am happy to say goodbye to evil chemo.  Chemo - I hope you have saved my life and I thank you for that but I would not like to meet, or think about you every again.

My lovely eye mass/lump/thing is no further forward, the Oncology MDT (multidisciplinary team)  decided that probably another MRI is needed, this time with contrast.....they couldn't get the contrast in last time because they couldn't get a good vein for the cannula.  But they have referred me to the Neurology department and they were going to discuss the case at their MDT meeting yesterday, so apparently I will hear something next week.  I could do without this little side detour!  Despite the doctors view to the contrary, I am sure this must have something to do with the nerve pain I have, I can't see how it can just be a coincidence, but we'll see.

So that's the update, my mind is all over the place but I am mostly feeling positive and happy to move on to the next stage of this merry little adventure!!!

See you on the other side of chemo #6

Pre chemo take 2

Pre chemo again tomorrow.  Sinuses and cough has cleared up so hopefully there will be no more delay for the final poisoning.....what a strange hope to have!

Hopefully I will also hear tomorrow what they intend to do about my eye issue.

It's been nice feeling reasonably well this week although I have used most of my energy cleaning which seems a waste but is unfortunately necessary.

Oedema

Tonight I am going to treat you to my gorgeous feet...black toe nails from the bleeding, though they no longer hurt, and amazingly swollen ankles from the oedema that seems to hit in the final week of the cycle.  As I am having a bonus forth week this cycle, it appears the oedema is determined to impede me even when I'm feeling better!

My whole legs are pretty swollen and just walking makes my muscles ache!   Grrrrrr, it's very frustrating.  I have requested some tablets from the doctors which will hopefully help a bit.  This Docetaxel is a funny one.....just when you think you are over one side effect, it throws something else at you! Oh well, only one more to go :-). So far I have gained 8lb's each cycle of Docetaxel.....I am vowing not to eat this cycle because if I put on another 8 I will have no clothes to wear!  

I had a great night out on Saturday with lovely friends.  It was nice to get out.  My fake eyelashes lasted the night and were very comortable. 

 My eyebrows are unfortunately still shedding, in fact the only remaining hairs are those unruly ones that stick up and curl in crazy directions.......typical.

In contrast to my deminishing eyebrows, my head hair is making a comeback with a fury.  Just as well as I am sick, sick, sick of hats and scarves.  I'll have another few months of them I guess, until my crew cut thickens up a bit.  There is a small chance it may all fall out after my op.....apparently the general anaesthetic can do that.

Right, goodnight from me and my shrek feet. 

X

Hooray for fake eyelashes!

Feeling a little more normal with my fake brows and new fake lashes!  Still have a swollen face, especially on the left, but lashes definitely make a difference!

The storm

I think the weather at the moment might be fighting cancer too!  So I thought these quotes quite apt.

Last chemo postponed :-(

Am a bit gutted that my final chemo has been postponed a week.  It was kind of expected as I just don't feel very well at all.  I've had a cold for a week, it was getting better but then this week got worse again, my poor immune system has been tested to the limits.  My sinuses are full of snot and I have an ongoing cough too so I have to have a week of antibiotics before chemo.  The doctor said that the dose of Docetaxel I have is just too much to risk having it on top of an infection.  In partly relieved as I was unsure how I would cope as I am feeling really run down, still achy and my muscles burn if I walk too fast or climb up stairs!  Starting chemo like this I'd have no chance!

Luckily one week won't make any difference to anything other than my work.  I will have to run classes next week and not the next, I feel terrible as I've already moved classes around once this term but I'm sure everyone will understand.

Hopefully the antibiotics will kick in soon and I will have a few days of actually feeling well before next Friday.  If I do I will make sure I make the most of it and do some fun things.

I got my MRI results back.  Nothing Cancer related in bones of scull or brain - phew!  But my left eye lid is dropped lower than my right......????   Not sure what this means but there is also a small soft tissue mass above my left orbit apparently.  They are not sure what it is and if this could be the cause of my nerve pain and the reason my left eye swells up with the chemo more than my right.  They were going to discuss it further at their multi disciplinary meeting.  So....watch this space!!  I know MRI's often show up unexplainable lumps and bumps, which is why medical professionals are often reluctant to order scans unless really necessary.  It is possible this mass has always been there and not caused a problem but the chemo has somehow aggravated whatever it is.  I just hope the neuralgia pain subsides after chemo, fingers crossed.

So it's a weekend of recuperation for me but also the chance to help celebrate a friends 40th Birthday which I thought I was going to have to miss due to chemo....there's always a silver lining :-) 

X

An amazing, emotional, exhausting but exhilarating weekend

I spent last weekend in a lovely hotel in Bournemouth as part of 'Shine Cancer Support Great Escape', a residential weekend for young adults with a Cancer diagnosis.  We talked, laughed, cried, covered serious issues and shared our common experiences.  Most of all I met a lovely group of people and felt a little less lonely in this whole cancer experience.  At the end of the weekend we did our sponsored  walk....I did it!!  I never imagined I would be so pleased to be able to walk 5km!  I have to admit the last little bit I was struggling but I did it :-)  I am delighted to have raised £620 for Shine, particularly as this money will go directly towards putting on a similar weekend again for other young adults with cancer.  Thank you, thank you, thank you to those who sponsored me.  

I have realised how much we take our physical fitness for granted.  It's quite a shock to have a body that won't quite function as you are used to.  I never thought I would miss running so much.  I really can't wait for the day I can just go out for a run.  So, if I can inspire you to do something (I am constantly being told I'm inspirational, but don't quite know what I'm inspiring people to do, so have decided to explicitly 'inspire' whenever I can!)........ go and make use of your amazing body, and keep it in good working order.  Go for run, a walk, a swim, a cycle, whatever you enjoy, just move and appreciate the opportunity to do it and feel fit and healthy :-)

I ran my classes on Monday and Tuesday and enjoyed them all but two full days and the weekend has left me exhausted so I am trying to rest today.  I also have a horrible cold; sinusitis and a cough, which I thought I was shaking off but seems to have come back with a vengeance.  I know, I know, don't tell me - I need to rest more, I am trying!

So, it's pre-chemo 6 tomorrow....I can't quite believe it!  It seems like a very long time, but I've made it here....the end of the beginning as I like to call it.  Unfortunately it's not the end of the end but I hope it's the worst bit over.  I have surgery provisionally booked for the 14 th March.  Following recovery from that I will most likely be having at least three weeks of radiotherapy.  I didn't realise at first but radiotherapy is EVERY day!!!  Every day (not weekends) for three weeks is going to be monotonous!  But, anythings better than Chemo!

Talking to the friends I made this last weekend, most of whom had completed all active treatment, I realised, or more accurately, confirmed, that the end of treatment is when you actually process all that has happened.  I had acknowledged this fact quite early on and tried to deal with things by throwing myself into research about surgical options, prognosis, survival and recurrence statistics etc.  However, by the end of cycle two ALL I could think of was getting through the hell of Chemo.  I have just survived the best I could, trying to be 'normal' whenever I could and on the bad days I've just been in a brain fog.  I've really not had much chance to think or process the idea of surgery and its not that long off.  Having never had surgery before, I'm a little apprehensive, but again, I just think anything is better than Chemo (I may have had my adenoids removed at a very young age but as my Mother can't remember, I certainly don't!  And, as my close friends know, my autobiographical memory is limited at best and often non existent!).  Whatever surgery I have, it's a pretty straightforward and quick procedure as I won't be having any kind of reconstruction immediately since I have to have Radiotherapy.  So, it shouldn't be a big deal medically, unless I have any complications......lets hope since I've been relatively unlucky with chemo effects, I'll get off lightly with surgery!

I'll stop rambling on for now. I'll update tomorrow after pre-chemo, I hope my bloods will be ok for Friday, I know I'm anaemic but unless my blood count is VERY low they will go ahead.  I feel a bit torn as I am not keen on having chemo on top of this cold but at the same time if it was delayed I would e disappointed as it feels like such a milestone having the last one!  I will certainly be quietly celebrating while sitting in the chemo chair.  Give me a few weeks and I can actually celebrate with a glass of wine or two!