The road to recovery starts now

Following what was a more emotionally challenging week than expected, I am now back on form with more determination to regain my health and body than every before.  Putting my back out was the last thing I needed but it is almost recovered, which is pretty miraculous all things considered.  My muscles and joints still ache most of the time but this seems to be the norm for a long time post Chemo.

It's hard to put into words what I struggled with last week.  I don't think you really process the enormity of each stage until it is over, that might be part of it.  I'm still internally absorbing that chemo even happened, whilst at the same time trying to forget every minute of it!  Surgery has not been bad at all and I realise how lucky I am to have come through it with minimal loss of body parts.  However, I have still had my body irrevocably changed, I have scars, admittedly neat and tidy ones, thank you Mr Surgeon.  I am somewhat lopsided, and while nobody will ever be able to tell in clothes (swimwear will be more obvious), every time I get undressed I have to get used to the new me.

I have struggled with the conveyor belt approach I have experienced at my hospital.  The discharge from surgery was no different; an appointment in a years time and that's that, it just seemed so violently abrupt.  It took some tears and talking with my Mum to realise that what I really needed was a long debriefing following a harrowing event.  It was exactly the same with Chemo discharge.  I don't even know what they could do, or talk to me about, but somehow my brain needs someone to explain what happened and why!  Obviously that is not possible and the control freak in me is struggling with that.  I can't explain it any better than that.

Abi said to me today 'Mummy, you look magnificent since they have taken the lump out', I 
really don't know what makes her say these things but she has been so sweet to me 
throughout this whole thing.  She was so worried about the surgery, it must be a relief for her that it was over.  We played down the second op and she had a sleepover at a friends, plus I recovered so quickly I don't think it really even registered with her.  But she is obviously glad it's over.  I am happy to look magnificent in her eyes :-)

Anyway, getting back to where I started with this post....recovery is back on track.  I want my health and body back, not a vague resemblance of it.  I have exactly 2 stone to loose and a lot of fitness to regain.  I know that baby steps are what it takes and I'll have to accept a pause or even backwards step during and after radiotherapy but I'm ready to do all I can before radio starts.  Adrian's been tasked with nagging me every evening to do my exercises to strengthen my back and tummy to prevent hurting my back again.  I'm returning to my walking routine, at least two miles every day.