Happy normality

Wow, life really flies by, I can’t believe it’s been nearly 3 months since I last wrote something, just shows I’ve been focused on normal life much more.  In fact, there have been many moments over the last few months when I have actually felt almost myself again.  I’ve been surprised at how much my hair has been a part of that, as soon as it was long enough to curl again I felt more ‘me’.  It’s surprising how much you identify with your appearance, you hold a mental image of yourself and when the reflection in the mirror doesn’t match that image it is really quite unsettling. 

Unfortunately I’m not yet at the stage of escaping those disruptive NHS letters dropping through my mail box and unsettling my life and mental status!  I had an MRI of my brain and spine in January, this will now be an annual January treat.  I was disproportionately anxious about the MRI….not the results but the fact I would need cannulised.   I seem to have developed a slight phobia….at least I was prepared mentally for the possibility of an irrational emotional response after being taken aback by my own reaction to a blood test in the summer.  This time I was mentally prepared (and had back up sedatives in my bag just in case!).  After warning the Radiographer about my terrible chemo veins she took a long time searching until she was sure she’d get a good one and all went smoothly…..no need for sedatives after all!  I haven’t officially been give any results as the letters bypass the patient entirely and I just get copied in to letters shuffling between departments (I’m used to it now).  Luckily my GP has access to everything and printed off the radiology report for me which shows no change in my orbital mass and nothing out of the ordinary to report in my spine.  Good news, the masses appear to have been there a long time and are clearly slow growing.  It seems that the Docetaxel chemo, which is known to damage nerves, was able to get to the facial nerve more readily due to the tumour surrounding it, thus causing the sudden onset of pain.  I will remain on Amytriptaline, a nerve pain killer, which keeps it mostly under control.  My eye swells up every so often but my eyesight is not disrupted and the Ophthalmologist seems happy that the risk of surgery was not worth it until my eyesight is effected and not correctable with glasses.  So that’s the update with my head issues, the neurologist seems pretty sure that I have a mosaic form of NF1 but that is still up for debate and I can’t say I’m convinced myself, but for now there is nothing to be done, so no point in wasting time thinking/worrying about it.

As far as the breast cancer is concerned, I have my 1^st annual mammogram tomorrow – yikes!  This will hopefully mark a year cancer free.  Cue disproportion emotional responses once more!!!  I have ongoing swelling and tissue and bone pain from Radiotherapy so I’m not exactly relishing the thought of having what is a painful procedure under normal circumstances.  But, it needs done and I’m looking forward to the reassurance that all is clear for now.  So I’ll be putting on my superwoman pants tomorrow and gritting my teeth, but will happily have a back up of various drugs in my bag just in case ;-)  I will see my surgeon in April for a physical check-up and then that’s me for another 6 months.

Although I finished what they call ‘active’ treatment in July, I started on a 10 year slog of hormone therapy.  Different types of breast cancer are driven by different things.  My cancer was partially receptive to Oestrogen and as a result I need to take a hormone blocking drug to reduce the chance of recurrence of the cancer.  Chemo put me into a temporary menopause anyway and the hormone drug will probably keep me there while I’m taking it.  So I experience symptoms of menopause, mainly hot flushes, joint pain, weight gain and fatigue. I am currently battling with the fact that different brands of the drug I am taking, Tamoxifen, seem to make symptoms better or worse.  My pharmacy has given me a different brand since Christmas and my ‘menopausal’ symptoms have got progressively worse.  I am really hoping that it is down to the brand switch and if I get back on the previous brand it might improve again.  However it’s impossible to know what is down to the drug effects and what is just recovery from cancer treatment.  I am slowly learning to get better at recognising when I’ve done too much and need to rest.  It’s a difficult rollercoaster of feeling really well and therefore doing everything as I did before and then crashing and burning because I over did it. I’m slowly learning the point I need to stop before reaching burn out point.  I guess this is a skill we all need to learn, irrespective of our health status.

So that’s all folks, I am living a happily ordinary life once more….with a few medical appointments and some drug taking thrown in!  It’s a world away from where I was this time last year having just finished chemo and facing my first surgery, so I’m happy to be here, hot flushes, fatigue and all.