Wishing you all health and happiness for 2014

I am still very much wiped out after Docetaxel one, fainted in the co-op this morning which was humiliating!  Low blood pressure and probably low blood count to blame.  Also have ongoing pain in eye, ear, scull and cheek on one side - my GP thinks it's probably trigeminal neuralgia due to nerve inflammation from the chemo.  So, I am starting 2014 on yet another drug!!!  Fingers crossed it works as the pain is relentless and stopping me from sleeping.

The type of fatigue with chemo is like nothing else, you think you know what it's like to be tired, having two small children.  Long gone are they days of long lie ins and undisturbed sleep.  But chemo fatigue is something else.  I have lost all strength, pulling my shoes on  or opening a bottle is a struggle.  Hopefully I will pick up again towards the end of this week (I better do as I'm due to be working next week - yikes!).  I just have to plod through this, getting out and seeing people/talking to people definitely helps, providing distraction.

The end of 2013 has obviously been a challenge but it has not been a bad year and I certainly wouldn't want to write it off.  We have had some lovely family holidays and trips with friends, been to a beautiful wedding, welcomed friends new babies into the world....it's been full of life, love and  laughter.  It's too easy to focus on the negative things sometimes and forget all the wonderful things in your life, I am determined not to let that happen through this journey even though it is hard at times to see a point in time when I will be fully able to love my life again.  So I don't want to say goodbye and good riddance to 2013 as it has too many wonderful memories - the pinnacle of which has to be our lovely little boat - a dream for so long and through chance, good luck and timing it was all meant to be.  As a family we are planning ahead and looking forward to lots of trips on Black Pearl this summer.  We have lots to look forward to and I can't wait.  So, bring on 2014, you are going to test my strength for a bit longer but I hope that 2014 will be a year of health and happiness for all  friends, family and strangers who have given me strength throughout this journey and I know will continue to do so.

Happy New Year to you all
(BIG HUGS) 

PS. Happy Birthday to my little tantrum monster - Adrian had some notion that she was going to wake up this morning as a big 3 year old and the 'terrible two's' would be behind us!!!  Ha ha ha, how wrong he was :-)  Blog still justified in it's title of love tears and tantrums!!! :-)

Tired but no sickness.

Well, as promised Tax has so far not caused any sickness and only very mild nausea due to sensitive tummy.  You have no idea how pleased I am about that....the thought of ten plus days of severe nausea again was just way too much.  I still don't know what is to come in the next few days as far as bone and joint pain and any skin effects goes, but I feel much more able to deal with anything without the nausea.

I have a truck load of drugs to take again, the new one is omeprazole, this is to reduce acid in my stomach to prevent irritation due to the chemo and other drugs.  My digestive system has then a real bashing through all this.  Tax is meant to cause diarrhoea so I'll look forward to that in the next few days!  Will make a change from the constipation on FEC though!  It's such a strange roller coaster but only nine weeks to go now.

Surgery is provisionally booked for 14 th March, my last chemo if all stays on schedule is 7th Feb.  so end of Feb is party time to celebrate the end of hopefully the worst part and a little respite of feeling normal for a few weeks before surgery.  I can't wait :-)

I am very, very tired today despite a reasonable nights sleep.  Hope I have a bit more energy tomorrow.  But all in all I am feeling ok.

Xxx

Chemo 4... Here we go..

Well T-minus an hour and a half to Chemo 4.  Feeling apprehensive as its the first of the new drug Docetaxol but I don't feel as down about it as I did going in for the third FEC as I knew exactly what was to come.  There's no way of telling if this cycle will be better or worse but everyone keep your fingers crossed for me :-)

I'm feeling back to normal yesterday and today for the first time this whole cycle,  I have to take steroids from yesterday morning to prepare for the chemo today which can cause allergic responses.  The up side of the steroids is the seem to have dampened down the inflation in my sinuses which has been causing me ingoing pain and the have perked me up a bit so I've been able to get out for a walk and enjoy time with family.  The down side is it affects sleep but I didn't do too badly last night so feel ok today and ready to face chemical attack number four.

See you on the other side :-)

Happy Christmas All

Just in case I don't get a chance to update again before Christmas.....I hope you all have a good one.  We will be spending Christmas with my in laws who are staying in a holiday cottage near by.  The girls are very excited to spend Christmas with their cousins.  I am slowly (painfully slowly!) recovering from a cough and cold which has added to the mental torment of chemo three but I am feeling positive and trying to be optimistic about starting the new drug regime at the end of the week.

Had pre-chemo appointment today, earlier than normal due to Christmas.  The Docetaxel doesn't usually have sickness and nausea associated with it so I'm happy about that.  I just have to wait and see what the other side effects might be for me but....a change is as good as a holiday, ha ha!

My eye brows and lashes are starting to thin now, perhaps I should ask Santa for some fake ones!

Merry Christmas all :-)

What is chemo really like?.....

This is a question I keep getting asked and what people want to know is the practicalities of what it is.  It is a mysterious thing to most people (as it was to me a couple of months ago).  The thing is there are literally hundreds of different chemotherapy regimes.  Some are tablet form, some, like mine are intravenous, some are given daily, some weekly, some fortnightly, three weekly etc.  I don't even know all the possible combinations and routines.  Each type of cancer has drugs that have been designed specifically for it.  Most people being treated for a primary Breast cancer will be on a very similar regime and set of drugs to me.  Although, even within Breast Cancers it varies slightly and there are a whole different sent of drugs to treat secondary Breast Cancers (when it has spread outside of the breast to other parts of the body).  

As you know I am currently on a combination of three drugs which are given intravenously over the space of about an hour and a half.  These are at quite high doses and so three weeks is the minimum amount of time they can leave between the dose due to the effects of the drugs on non cancer cells, primarily the blood.  Some people have lower doses but more frequently.  Then next drug I am going to have for the next three cycles - Docetaxol is often given at smaller doses weekly, but as far as I know I am sticking to the three week routine.  I think the variation depends partly on protocols at the particular hospital.  The advantage of the weekly regime is that the side effects will be less due to lower dose but the disadvantage is you have to go in every week. 

The actual getting of the 'stuff' is not a big deal.  For me they put a cannula in my arm, connect a saline drip and then slowly syringe in the ridiculous amounts of the pink stuff then the clear stuff, then they change the saline drip for a drip of the other clear stuff.  The whole thing takes about an hour and a half then I go home.  It is not painful and other than a burning feeling in my nose and sinuses I feel no immediate effect from the drugs.  But this is just the start...it's the weeks that follow when your body is desperately fighting to repair itself from the damage the poison has done, that's the tough part.  A 'cycle' of Chemotherapy is the time from one dose to the next, so for me three weeks.

Each type of chemotherapy drug has its own, lovely, unique side effects.  Some people have said to me - oh, I know such and such a person and 'they were fine on chemotherapy', or 'their hair didn't fall out', or 'they carried on just as normal', or 'it didn't affect them at all'.......well good for them......note for future - none of these statements are particularly helpful to someone on Chemotherapy! Not only do all drugs do different things and have different effect, each person reacts in their own unique way

The Truth?.....having chemotherapy is like having the life slowly sucked out of you.  Dramatic statement but unfortunately that's where I'm at right now.  Oh, don't worry, I am staying positive and still plodding on and I am very aware there is an end in sight.  But so many people ask me what it's like and what they mean is the practical aspects and what if feels like physically.  However, it is the emotional toll that is the real battle, a daily fight to keep living life and not curl up in a ball and shut down.  Life sucking poison, that's what Chemotherapy is.  Yet it is saving my life...killing the thing that is trying to kill me, how do you get your head around that?  

A dichotomous marvel of medicine.

I didn't actually intend to come on here and rant, sorry.  I am very tired at the moment and am once again writting this at stupid O'clock in the morning as another wonder of Chemotherapy is that I wake up at 3ish every night, no idea why, but I can rarely sleep after that! We have had a stupidly busy weekend with various activities, climaxing with Isla's Birthday Party on Sunday.  We are all feeling wiped out now!  It was a great party though and Isla had lots of fun even though she has a horrible cold and isn't sleeping well.  Here are some pictures.  Without my beautiful little people in my life it would be far, far too easy to just shut down and self destruct.  As exhausting as they are, thank goodness for their needy little voices that rise above all else.

 

Hooray for the shrinking tumour!

Can't write much as I'm in a pit of pain, nausea and exhaustion, but just wanted to let everyone know the good result from my ultrasound today......lots of shrinkage.  To be exact the radiologist measured 39mm originally and at a maximum today could only measure 28mm.  This is very good apparently.  He also double checked my lymph nodes on that side for me and still all clear.

So, everyone wants to say it, I know....it's all worth it.......well, yes, of course it is, but wait a few days until I feel a bit better and then I might be more inclined to jump up and down and celebrate.  For now, I'm off to bed.

Over and out
X

Yawn....

So, I know you must be getting bored of my posts about the joyous side effects of chemo, but unfortunately I don't have a lot else to share with you right now!  The post chemo week really, really sucks....I know that you are all aware of that but I just wanted to emphasise it, not looking for sympathy, just explaining why I have little of any meaningful interest to entertain you with right now!

I am now experienced in three cycles of FEC so feel I can relate my common experiences and I hope that anyone going through the same may find some support knowing they are not alone with their weird and wonderful side effects.  Hopefully some of my suggestions to keep the side effects at bay may help too.

So, this is my typical pattern:

Feel great for about four hours after chemo finished then nausea hits like a brick wall.  In cycle one and two this was followed quickly by severe vomiting for several hours.  This time I escaped this, I think taking a sedative and going to sleep before the nausea hit may have had some effect.  I also had accupuncture the day before, keeping an open mind about that still.  I also had the strong anti sickness, Emend a few hours before chemo, the last time they didn't give it to me long enough before, it should be taken an absolute miminum of one hour before.

Day 2 and 3 are pretty much exhaustion and intense nausea.  Eating little and often helps.  The anti sickness ondansetron causes constipation so you need to counter that with something, I ate lots of prunes first time round but since then I have powdered stuff...movicol I think it's called.  I take steroids as anti sickness for the first few days too...these along with the chemo itself cause sleep disruption so I only take them morning and afternoon.  They make you hungry and give you a 'moon' face as my Mum calls it!

By day 4 the mucotitis sets in......softening and peeling of the mucous membranes from mouth to anus!  So far my mouth has been much better this time thanks to constant use of difflam mouth wash. I have also been very lucky up until now not to have any bad mouth ulcers.  This cycle my oncologist recommended using the difflam even before symptoms start and I think this has helped keep it to a minimum so far.

Day 5 was yesterday, I started to get the eye and ear pain that ended me in A and E last time.  At least I know this time it's not a heart thing, just another stupid side effect.  Still my left eye and it kept me awake despite ibuprofen and paracetamol.  It may just be down to dry eyes which is another common side effect, I have viscotears which is a very thick eye drop, it does seem to ease the discomfort termporarily.  My oncologist has referred me for an eye clinic appointment to check for blocked ducts.  If you can't tell by now, I had a very thorough oncologist this time around and she liked
prescribing things for every ailment!  Yesterday I had to start my self injections to stimulate my bone
marrow since my blood count seems to fall to borderline each time.  The injection is not painful to do but it does cause bone pain as a result of the bone marrow being kicked up the butt.  I think I've been lucky so far not to experience it too badly (probably shouldn't speak too soon though!)

So today im off most of the medication, which is always a relief, but there can be side effects from withdrawal, particularly from the steroids.  I continue to take something called domperidone which I take before meals to help my incredibly slow digestion and prevent heart burn. The nausea still remains and I imagine will until at least Monday if it follows the same pattern as before.  Annoyingly the only thing that takes it away completely is eating, but if I eat too much it gets worse!  Distraction helps too, and sleeping!

So, now that I have off loaded I feel I can move on with my day, time to get dressed, do something very minor that feels like an accoumplishment (like wrap a Christmas present!) then have another rest!  That's how my day goes......roll on next week for a tiny wee bit more energy!

Almost half way is actually the toughest place

Hi all, I am out of bed today, hooray!

Many people have been spurring me on reminding me I'm half way there.  Well, unfortunately not yet, another two weeks and I'll be half way there as this is only the start of this cycle.  Also, it appears this is actually probably the most difficult stage so far.  I am so exhausted, I know what is to come with all the side effects now and that's a bit depressing.  But this is also my last cycle on this combo of drugs.  This is both a good and bad thing.  Good, because the next drug does not have as severe sickness and nausea associated with it and I find the nausea the hardest thing to deal with.  Bad, because it brings with it another unknown and a range of different side effects that I am or may not experience.  The next drug is just a single one called docetaxol, again, it's a pretty strong chemo drug.

Going in for chemo this time was hard, I feel like my 'good' week of feeling well was actually taken up with the anxiety of the looming Friday and knowing what was to come. 

I have a few appointments looming in the next few weeks - a routine ultrasound this week to check the size of the tumour and ensure it is stabilised and not growing - if it has grown at all they would probably do surgery immediately rather than complete chemo, but this is not likely.  Best case scenario it is shrinking but from reading of others experiences with my type of aggressive, hormone positive cancer, it is the second drug that I am about to go on to, docetaxol, that attacks the tumour more.  Every case is individual though so it's a wait and see.  I just have to hope that the chemo has been effective at attacking any cells that may have escaped and be lurking elsewhere.

Next week is the meeting with Mr Surgeon where hopefully I will get a clearer idea of what my options are and what might happen, when.

I am looking forward to Christmas as I am very lucky that it will be on my good week when I should, fingers crossed, be feeling back to normal.  I also have all my lovely family in-law here to spoil me :-)

Thanks as always for all your love and support. xxx

Jen's Chemo went ahead as planned after another blood test and 2 hours of waiting. She's returned home with another huge bag of medication, to treat every side effect you can imagine.

As well as being really poorly, Emotionally she's pretty low at the moment.

So what ever you do don't ask her how she is.

You will have your head bitten off...........one of the side effects.

By

ANONE.

P.S.  Many thanks to our friends who have taken the girls for the night, as it's not nice for them to see mummy so poorly.

Chemo three is looming

Had a lovely morning (despite my annoying cold) - had a special Chrstmas lass with my lovely Lymington Tiny Talkers.  I have four more Christmas classes to go this week.

Despite trying to stay positive and enjoy this week of feeling well (other than said cold), I can't help feeling a sense of impending doom with Friday, and chemo 3, rapidly creeping upon me.  Now I know what's ahead it's actually worse than not knowing.  I can tell myself it may be easier, they won't ess up the medication this time and it might make a difference.  But, I know deep down what is to come.  It's only ten days of feeling rubbish, but it seems like a whole lot longer at the time.  I am REALLY not good at being incapacitated....watching 'This morning' five days in a row actually depressed my so I'm sticking to DVDs this time.  I can't read for the first few days, unfortunately, as the drugs mess with you brain and eyes and just about everything!

Anyway, must try to put next week to the back of my thoughts and enjoy this week.  The Christmas tree as gone up.  Isla was super excited and it was very cute. 

Here is our massively over decorated tree!

And some Christmas love:

......and then some very special tanturms, it all just became too much for 7pm on a week night! 

Lovely but unrestful weekend!!

Put your life on hold for chemo?  .........no, thank you very much!!

What a wonderful weekend, not at all restful as planned but we had lots of fun.  We woke on Saturday to the most spectacular day, blue skies and sunshine, it was just too perfect not to take the boat out.  We planned to just motor around but once we got out of the harbour it was just perfect sailing conditions - really calm sea and wonderful gently, constant breeze.  We got all three sails on black pearl up for the very first time and she sailed beautifully.

Here is a little snap shot of our trip.....

Home now and nursing a horrible cold that has been creeping up on me for the last week.  I just hope I can shake it off quickly so it doesn't delay chemo this week (weird to say as, of course, I would love NOT to have chemo, but in the long run best not to delay it).

I also arrived home to another mystery parcel....thank you again whoever is sending them, it's so lovely.

Off now to prepare for my Tiny Talk Christmas classes this week  :-)

Tired

Ok, so I'm tired, and have probably pushed myself a little too far this week, but I also feel better for it too.  This cycle has followed much the same pattern as the last ......ten days of feeling pretty horrendous, then a few days of getting gradually better then, I'm hoping that the next week will be a 'feeling normal' week.

Adrian and I are off to Plymouth for the weekend while Grandma and Grandpa babysit (thank you Susan and Graham).  The plan was to get some jobs done on the boat but I imagine Adrian will be getting some jobs done and I might just be reading on my new kindle (Dave Kendrick if you are reading this, I am reading 'Reef'...so far so good ;-) will be sure to review it when I'm finished).  As much as I adore my children it will be pretty fantastic just to be able to get up and make my own breakfast and not have to sort out two little people first.  Some rest and relaxation is in order.

First I have a CT scan first thing tomorrow morning, then my lovely Bransgore Tiny Talk toddler class, then we're off and shoud be on the boat by dinner time :-)

Busy day!

I've had a VERY busy day.....

Starting with Isla deciding my hair needed washed this morning!!

I then had a lovely Tiny Talk class with lots of happy, smiley babies, always a good start to the day :-)

I then went for my first ever accupuncture session....it was more painful than I thought it would be, especially as the points she used were in my wrists and ankles.  But it was only painful for a second when the needle was pushed in.  Accupuncture has been shown (in actual clinical trials.....you know how much I love my science and a good research study!) to be effective, mainly for treating pain.  It is also believed effective in treating nausea and fatigue.  While I was pregnant with Isla I had reflexology to try to combat morning sickness, it didn't do much for the sickness but did make a huge difference to the water retention in my legs that I had suffered with in both pregnancies.  I always said if I was ever pregnant again I wold try accupuncture for morning sickness so I thought I would give it a go for chemo sickness.  I'll have another session before my next chemo a week on Friday, fingers crossed it makes a difference.  I have also been having Reiki from some lovely friends and I'm sure it has been helping my digestive system....my tummy likes to make lots of funny noises whilst having it :-)

After accupuncture I went to Dorset Cancer Centre in Poole for a 'look good, feel better' session!  This is run by a charity and uses volunteer ladies from the beauty industry to basically pamper you, show you how to apply make up properly and draw on eyebrows etc!!!  It was quite fun and relaxing and you get a huge bag of products to take away, all donated by companies.  It's all really good stuff for sensitive skin...and a bottle of benefit perfume which smells delicious!

Here is me after being 'made up' ....I was expecting it to look a bit over the top but the lady was actually quite good and was very subtle with the 'look'

More tears of love....

After a weekend of feeling 'not so great' (apart from a lovely trip to see friends and their adorable baby, Fergus :-)), I am left feeling very much recharged today, after my two lovely Tiny Talk classes.  Not only did they lift my spirits but I was presented with a gift from all my Tiny Talkers.  I had a busy time after class, collecting Isla from nursery and then taking her to ballet, then had to go straight to hospital for my mid chemo blood test.  So, I didn't get a chance to open my present properly until I got home later. 

Well, what an exciting present, a box full of different shapes and sizes of parcels....Isla enjoyed opening them with me :-)  And here come the tears.......I LOVE absolutely everything and was overcome with the absolute kindness and generosity of everyone who has contributed and the thoughtfulness of those who organised it and chose the items.  I was totally in tears and just feeling very, very loved.  

I really cannot thank you all enough, it is just the loveliest present I have ever received.  I sit here writing this wearing the lovely snuggly Sea Salt socks (one of my favourite brands), I already know what I'm going to get at White stuff with the gift voucher (another one of my favourite brands)....I spotted a dress a few weeks ago I love and I also need some new slippers for going into hospital when I have surgery.  I am looking forward to having a lovely massage and probably some reflexology with the 'pampering' money.  I love Burts Bees stuff and the top to toe set is the perfect thing as the drug I change to after Christmas may make my nails all horrid and fall off (I know....just when you thought it couldn't get any worse!!!)...so they recommend lots of moisturiser day and night to keep nails strong.  Then I opened the parcel with the case for the kindle.....that's a bit strange I thought as I don't have a kindle...but there was one more parcel.....no way....they didn't get me a kindle!!!  WOW!  So exciting, THANK YOU!  I love it and it will be so useful to keep in my bag and have something to read while waiting for appointments and killing time in hospitals.  You are all amazing and have just made me feel so so special and loved over the past few weeks. 

So, more happy tears for me today, I like those kind.
xxx

An afternoon in A and E but all ok

Well, an eventful day.  Woke up feeling really rubbish......AGAIN....well, not so much woke up as got out of bed at 7ish after hours of laying around trying to sleep!  Have pain all around chest, neck, ear and pains in left eye.  Walked Abi to school, felt exhausted and dizzy and just not quite right.  Eventually my long suffering, ever exasperated by me mother MADE me call into the chemo ward to report that I was still not well.  I didn't think they would be too bothered as my temp wasn't up at all (I need to keep a close eye on that as if I get any infections while my blood count is low it can be serious).  The ward quickly called me back to tell me to get my butt to A and E for a heart trace.......eh?  what? but there is nothing wrong with my heart I said.  Well, apparently due to the fact I have pain in my left jaw, ear and eye, that could be referred pain from the heart!!!  WOW, oh, great I thought, I do feel dizzy and kinda funny, heck, please don't let this horrible poison have damaged my heart!

Anyway, long story short - went to A and E for an ECG, was triaged really quickly and had blood tests done.  ECG fine but had to wait for blood tests.  One test had to be repeated ...then there was a change of shift and it went down hill from there - obviously miscommunication but three hours later and nobody seemed to even be aware we were waiting for blood results!  AAAAGGGGGHHH.  Meanwhile my poor, suffering friend Sarah has had to suffer my two littlies as well as her own at a school Christmas fair of all things.....Thank you Sarah!!!

So, all ok now, I feel better.  I have to take antibiotics again (for no apparent reason, it just seems they like to give it to you 'just in case' if you complain about any symptoms at all).  But I am just SOOOOOOOO happy that all is well with my heart :-)

Emerging

I think I am finally emerging from the hideous of chemo number two.  I've definitely been more knocked out this time and the nausea has somehow been harder to deal with......perhaps it's the thought of going through it all our more times.  BUT, I have to turn it on its head and say two down now, only four to go........hmmm not quite convincing myself yet, perhaps it will be easier after next one, then it will be half way through.

Once again, I have to thank the amazing people in my life this week for helping me through. Even messages to say people are thinking of me is such a pick up. Thanks to those that have helped with the kids and the amazing people making us dinner every night :-)

Right, can anyone help me......my head is freezing all the time, I hate wearing tight fitting hats all the time but my wooly beret/ slouchy hats are too hot and scratchy to wear indoors.  I really want a beret/ slouchy loose fitting hat that is made from something soft like bamboo wool or cotton.  If anyone knows anything like this please let me know, or if you know a supper fast knitter I have some bamboo wool I can send them :-)

Egg head!

I am now officially an egg head, got fed up eating hair off my pillow so had Adrian shave my head!

Little bit pasty white and its very cold but feel better without it shedding everywhere.

Forgot to tell you about the good (ish) news from Friday....I finally got my receptor info.  The cancer is strongly Er (oestrogen) positive which means I will be eligible for hormone therapy after surgery to reduce risk of recurrence and secondaries.  I was so convinced I would be triple negative which there is no current treatment for, so this is a relief.  The downside is I'll be taking a medication for at least 5 years that will give me menopausal symptoms!  So watch out world for my mood swings!

This also gives me more dilemma regarding surgery, I was pretty much decided if I was triple neg I would push for bilateral mastectomy but now there is more scope to keep my good breast intact which is better I guess.  I'll have a meeting with surgeon in December sometime but want to be sure of what way I want to go before then.

Irene, I have done my ankle turns today and walked up and down the stairs several times and had a bath so I think that ticks my exercise for the day :-)

Chemo two done and dusted

Hello, thanks you for all your messages of support for my second round of Chemo.  All did not go quite to plan by we got there in the end, I survived and I am feeling reasonable today.

Unfortunately the blood test I had on Thursday for pre-chemo was too low : white blood count of 0.8 and they wont do chemo unless its over 1 (normal range is 2 -7 for white cells or 4 -11 for neutrophils, not entirely sure which they were focusing on).  So when I arrived yesterday I had to have another blood test and then wait an hour for the results.  Due to the huge cost of the drugs, they are made up specifically for each patient so they hadn't made my drugs up just incase the blood count was too low.  Luckily my bloods were up to 1.3 so I could go ahead, but then had to wait longer for the drugs to be made.  Due to this complication with my blood count, I now have to self inject a drug for five days each cycle to stimulate my bone marrow - this apparently causes pain in the large bones (oh joy!).  I'm not too keen on this, obviously, but they don't want to risk the chemo being delayed at all since I am still pre surgery as any delay puts surgery back and we need to get this bad boy out of my body!

So after arriving at 1.30, I finally started having chemo just before 4.  Thought I would treat you all to a pic of the amazing pink drug - epirubicin, this is the evil one that causes the sickness and hair loss.  I have two full syringes of this, one of a clear drug and then a little bag through a drip of the final one (the one that makes my nose burn!).  It's all pretty painless, I get given 4 steroids at the same time so I am pretty bouncing off the walls for 4 hours afterwards until the sickness hits.

I had a different anti sickness drug this time but unfortunately it didn't stop the sickness and I still vomitted most of the night, however it wasn't quite as bad as last time and we were able to control it at home with injections and drugs so, thankfully, I avoided an admission to hospital :-)  I was able to then sleep for a bit and although I still feel very sick today I am sitting up and able to write this, so that is a lot better than I was last time.  Fingers crossed, although the injections wont be nice, they might help me feel better that second week when I had a dip, probably due to low blood count.  Just have to wait and see.

So this is me today, almost bald now but I don't mind, it's just a little chilly!

I have to say, once again, a huge thank you to all the amazing people in my life.  I've had cards, flowers, loads of well wishing messages, mysterious gifts (please let me know who it was - it was from a local postcode).  I'm having meals delivered all this week which is such a help and takes so much strain off Adrian, and we are getting so much help with the children too.  You are all just wonderful and I don't know how I am going to repay all this kindness (but I am formulating a plan ;-))

Lots of love to you all, as you can hopefully see, I am doing OK.
xxxxxxx

And ready for round two.....

Pre-chemo today before session two tomorrow afternoon.  Pre-chemo just involves a blood test and then meeting with an oncologist to discuss side effects etc.  They are going to give me a different anti sickness drug this time along with the one I had last time, plus the steroids, plus another anti nausea!  Fingers crossed it all works a bit better.  Also getting more mouth rinse stuff to treat the grim peeling mouth which is apparently called mucositis.

Making the most of feeling well today - went for that run that I planned yesterday but never got around to.  It was cold but sunny so perfect running weather and it made me feel great.  I'm probably overdoing it but off to yoga in a minute too - need to cram it all in while I feel well!!

Must go or I'll be late for Yoga.

Hair update - it's on it's very last legs, as Abi said, I look like a baby - patchy tufts of wispy hair.  Can't wait for it to be gone now and stop falling all over the computer keyboard and in my food!!

If there's a radio silence for a few days you'll know why.......see you on the other side. xxx

Life as normal

So, I've done two days back at work and I'm shattered but really enjoyed it.  It was lovely to see my Tiny Talk babies and Toddlers and they have all grown so much in the last three weeks.  I have one more class tomorrow and then one on Friday just before next chemo!  It's good to be back to normal life though, even if just briefly.  I'm still feeling good but my poor scalp is suffering, I can't wait to get rid of the last bit of hair.  Wearing hats/scarves all day is really annoying and uncomfortable, I'm hoping that it will be better once all the hair is gone.  I'm used to having such thick hair so my head feels really cold when I have nothing on at home!

Yesterday I received a mysterious gift in the post - in a box but with no card to say who it's from.  Lovely little treats like hot chocolate and biscuits inside.....thank you to whoever the gift giver is, I'm not sure if it was intentionally anonymous but I would love to know who you are so I can thank you properly :-)

Irene - my exercise task master....I have done plenty of exercise yesterday and today with lugging boxes around for my classes.  Tomorrow my goal is to fit in a short run in the afternoon and Thursday night is Yoga....then it's chemo time again, so I might just be back to the ankle circles for a few days ;-)  I'll keep you posted though. x

Glorious weekend

Sorry for the radio silence, I have been enjoying feeling well and 100% normal for a few days.  Other than the hideousness of my hair coming out in handfuls all over the place I have totally forgotten about the fact I am 'ill'.  Lets get the hair thing out the way first - it is horrible, and painful, I didn't expect that.  I think its when the hair is loose in the follicles so it irritates and pokes the scalp. Then there is the fact it gets everywhere, blocks the sink, gets in and on your clothes.  I've had to wear hat's all weekend as it is just shedding everywhere.  By this morning I had serious bald spots on top and now have very little hair left.  I'm tempted to shave it but then apparently the little short spiky bits are even more uncomfortable when they end up down your back!  Here is a photo of my baldy head....a few more days and it will be all gone and hopefully feel a bit better.  I hate wearing something on my head all the time though, so may just embrace baldness at some point when I'm feeling braver :-)

So on to a more pleasant subject - the boat.  Yes, we did make it to Plymouth and yes, the boat did get launched :-)  We had a glorious weekend.  It did rain but we had a lot of sunshine too and had lots of fun on the boat and in Plymouth.  We took Black Pearl down the river (about a 2 hour trip) to Plymouth Harbour where she will stay for the winter.  Its a 3 hour drive for us to get there so we are hoping to spend many weekends there over the winter sprucing her up and get her ready for some serious sailing next summer.  As promised here are some pictures.  Both the girls loved the boat, particularly their own little bunks.  Abi wasn't to keen on the damp and cold initially but once we got it all warmed up she really got into it and loved cleaning her up (long may that last!).

The bare bear with no hair

And so it begins - hair coming out this morning, glad I didn't wash may hair or it might have been a shock, even though I knew it was coming!  Did you know you lose hair from ALL OVER your body...everywhere, including the little hairs up your nose (which results in a constantly runny nose) and the hair inside your ears!  Apparently underarm and leg hair is typically the last to go....of course, the hair you really don't want hangs on longest!!  Luckily the kids are totally fine about it - well Abi is anyway - a couple of weeks ago on the way to school I commented that the trees were all losing their leaves and soon they would be bare.  Abi's retort.....'ha, Mummy, just like you, all bare, that reminds me of the story of the bare bare with no hair'  Gotta love kids :-)

I'm feeling reasonably well just crazy tired, but still not sleeping well so no surprise. I have decided to go back to work and do most of my classes next week before the next hit of chemo next Friday (can't believe it is next week again already).  I am sure I will feel better being active and taking my mind off things.

My head is getting all messed up with statistics, outcomes, survival rates, surgical options etc, etc.  It's a lot of information to learn.  Initially I was very much of the opinion I would just focus on getting through this part, the chemo and worry about the rest later.  However, I will have to make decisions about surgery fairly soon and I want to make sure I know EVERYTHING before then.  That's just me, I need to know and understand everything, I know some people would rather not know and take the lead from professionals.  But I want to know that I am doing everything I possibly can to have the best chance of living for as long as I possibly can.  I still haven't heard anything about 'receptor status' and that is playing on my mind. 

Are you ready for the science bit?  I've had lots of people tell me they find it interesting so I feel vindicated to continue, but as I've said before, feel free to skip it :-)

Receptors are like key holes on the surface of cells.  Agonists are molecules that bind to the receptor (like a key in the lock) and activate it to do something - often make a protein.  You can also get Antagonists that bind to the receptor and block it from activating.  If you did biology at secondary school, this is hopefully a familiar concept.  So, research has found that some breast cancers have receptors for certain proteins or hormones and these are thought to stimulate the growth of the cancer.  The most common one is for the hormone Oestrogen.  This is why they think people are at higher risk of BC if they have taken the Pill for a long time, started periods at an early age, menopause at a later age, never had children and never breastfed - all these things lead to an increased exposure to Oestrogen across a lifespan.  The other female hormone, Progesterone, is the other main hormone receptor found in BC.  And finally a protein called HER-2 is found in high levels in some BC's, this is a growth factor and is caused by a muted gene in the cancer cells that results in over production of this protein that in turn stimulates growth.  This is what I understand of it all, my science may well be flawed, its been 15 years since I studied biochemistry, so please don't quote me ;-)

There are various long term treatments that are taken if you have a BC that is positive for these three key things.  You may have heard of a drug called Tamoxifen - this is something that is taken long term (usually for 5 or 10 years) to block the Oestrogen in your body if you have an Oestrogen positive BC.  The idea being that this will then reduce the risk of recurrence or secondary cancers developing.  Similarly there are drugs for Progesterone positive and a drug to block production of HER-2.

Sometimes, more frequently in younger people with a BC diagnosis, the cancer is called 'Triple Negative' and in this case none of these receptors are found and nobody knows what is stimulating the cancer.  There are no back up treatments in this case, but this type does respond more positively to chemotherapy.

So there you go, more than you ever wanted to know about Breast Cancer huh?  Yeah, me too!

Enough of all that now, I am determined to put it away in a box and forget about it all for the weekend.  We are off to Plymouth tonight :-)  The boat is being launched at 8am tomorrow.  We have lots of cleaning to do on her - she is no doubt pretty mouldy and smelly as she has had a leaky hatch, bless her!  But we'll spruce her up then on Saturday we have an 8 mile journey down the Plymouth sound to take her to her home for the winter in a marina in the centre of Plymouth.  Here is a preview of Black Pearl.  I'll post loads more photos next week.

Blood, blood, blood...

Felt rubbish all day yesterday, It turns out it's hard to write a blog when you are feeling rubbish.  I really don't want to write about being tired, sick, fed up etc etc.  Yesterday consisted of hospital for blood test with two children (I have to say both of them where spectacularly well behaved), dropping large bowl of soup in a glass dish on the slate floor and making a horrible mess, Isla weeing on the hall landing, suffering through Isla's ballet lesson where she refused point blank to participate (She thoroughly enjoyed the taster session at the start of term, then after paying for the entire term, she decided she didn't want to do it!).  Then on returning home I had a call from the chemo ward to say that my blood results were back and the white count was too low so I have to take antibiotics just in case.  Lovely, just what I need, side effects from antibiotics!  So all in all, not a great day!  But today is a new day, I had the best sleep I've had for a week (though still not very much) and I feel a lot better than I did yesterday, just need to be careful not to pick up any bugs and hopefully things should improve from now on (well until a week Friday when it's round 2).

So, are you ready for the Science bit?  Chemotherapy drugs attack rapidly dividing cells (as this is basically what cancer is...cells that have mutated and started to divide out of control).  However, we have lots of good rapidly dividing cells in our bodies - primarily our skin, which is constantly renewing itself - that's our outer skin, and the skin lining the inner parts of various areas of our body.  Also hair follicles and nail beds consist of rapidly dividing cells.  As well as skin, our blood cells, produced in bone marrow, are rapidly reproducing all the time.  All of these 'good' cells are also attacked by chemotherapy drugs.  This is why I have a three week cycle...to allow the good cells to recover and regenerate before the next hit.  So at the moment I am at the lowest blood count point (between day 10 and 14 post chemo, this varies depending on the chemo drug), I have to have a blood test on day 10 each cycle to make sure my red and white blood count is not too low.  Unfortunately this time it was.  A low white blood count means you have very little immunity so I could pick up infections really easily.  My blood count should start to increase each day now though.

One of the grim side effects so far (you asked for it Sarah Hogg!)  is that the inside of my mouth peeled.  I guess it's again, due to the rapidly dividing skin cells being attacked.  This spread to what I assume was the whole of my oesophagus which resulted in a burning sensation every time I ate or drank.  I also felt like I was constantly swallowing skin for a few days!  Luckily this seems to be over now, I was worried it was going to be a permanent feature - but my mouth seems to have mostly recovered.  This may happen each cycle, who knows.

Riding the Storm

Well, I'm still doing OK.  Its been a rough few days with very little sleep and various grim side effects that I won't go into detail about just now - but may well gross you out with at a later date :-)  Hit a bit of a brick wall yesterday, think it was probably because it was the first day off steroids so had a bit of a lull but feel brighter this morning.  Still don't feel 'normal' and have a very fuzzy head but think it's time to accept that it's not normal and I probably won't feel normal for a few months now.  Time to adjust my perspective and expectations and get up and carry on.....I'm definitely in a mind over matter mood today :-)

Have been very well looked after over the last few days by my amazing Friend, Liz.  She is ensuring my nutritional needs are met - both the cravings for terrible things like mac and cheese, and the actual real need for nutrients.  Liz and I have been juicing for well over a year now and LOVE our green breakfast juices, unfortunately I can't stand it now :-(  But after researching the best foods for blood count (both red and white) we have come upon the best juice for me just now, and I love it, so it's perfect.  ABC : one apple, two beetroot, three carrots.  Simple and perfect :-)  Liz also made me amazing watercress and spinach soup - both foods to boost red blood count. 

While up in the middle of the night last night surfing the web ( as I've been doing for the past three nights!) I came across this quotation and it just feels right for me just now........

Hopefully no storms next weekend though because, fingers crossed, we are going to finally launch Black Pearl (just when all the sensible people in the world are taking their boats out of the water for the winter!)

The love and generosity of friends and strangers

The world is full of truly amazing, kind, generous and just downright beautiful people.  Today I was honoured to see this in abundance.

I am very lucky to have an amazing job teaching Tiny Talk baby signing classes and toddler classes ( I'll tell you a bit more about them another time). This term I have been running 7 classes to almost 70 families across the new forest area.  I have always felt privileged to be in a job where I get to watch babies grow, develop, and most importantly learn to communicate and exert their will on the world, it's amazing.  I also get to hang out and chat loads with lovely parents and make great
friends.....doesn't really sound like a real job, does it?!  I was gutted to have to cancel my classes temporarily while starting treatment but from the day I sent out an email to all my families I have received an abundance of  messages of love, support, understanding, all just wanting me to get better.  I have been truly overwhelmed by the love I have been shown by people, some of whome have only known me for a very short time.  I don't think I quite realised the impact I have in other people's lives and the fact that people care so profoundly about me, I have a whole new appreciation of just what a special and privialliaged job I have.

So coming back to today, a group of my Tiny Talkers who I have known for years now decided to hold a coffee morning to raise money for Breast Cancer Research, such a lovely idea.  I can't quite believe how quickly Beth and Vicky pulled it all together, basically in the space of just over a week.  Supported by countless other Tiny Talk families old and new of course.  I know I missed some of you today as I was only there briefly but I was so touched you came and it was so lovely to see those of you I did.

However, the wonder of the day doesn't stop there.  This whole event was held in Bransgore, where I live.  And this lovely village showed what a wonderful comminity it is by supporting this event.  My
lovely, lovely friends who gave their time to help and made LOADS of amazing cakes.  People
donated the most amazing prizes for the raffle.   People I don't know well and complete strangers all came to support this event.

Thank you is just not enough.  Making money for a great cause is one thing, but the way you have all made me feel today is truly priceless.  I may have cancer, but right now I feel like the luckiest person alive to know and have the most amazing, beautiful and incredibly kind people in my life.

Big love to you all. Xxx

Three weeks ago today.....

Wow, can it only be three weeks?! Three weeks since my little world shifted slightly.  It seems like a much longer time span but t the same time is no time at all.  Certainly, I think it will take longer to fully accept the situation, this is a gradual process, happening a little each day but really trying to focus on short rather than longer term situations/ decisions / concerns makes it all more manageable.

I have been told repeatedly over the last few weeks how strong and brave I am, even inspirational.  Really, I am none of these things.  When something monumental happens to change your life you cope the best way you can, there is no choice.  The fact is this is a blip in my life, not the end of it (I hope!). It may change things slightly for the future but I fully intend to return to my normal life as quickly as possible.  I am helped in this path by two little girls who are both ignorant and innocent of all that is going on (thankfully), they don't see me as brave or strong or ill or tired, just Mummy, and they need me to contine to be that role.  I am thankfully that the daily tears and tantrums from my little drama queens, whilst exhausting (especially for poor Adrian who has to pick up the strain!) keep the normality of my life.  Of course there is the love and laughter that goes hand in hand with the tears and tantrums and that helps too :-)

If I inspire anyone to do anything I wish it would be to do all you want to do, be all you want to be, love everyone you want to love.  Coping with bad situations in life is not hard when you don't have a choice.  The hard things in life are deciding to push yourself to be who you want to be, step outside your comfort zone, don't put big things off for later, live life now.  I'm not saying this because I have cancer, this is what I really was doing, I am very happy in my little life.  We took a leap in the dark and bought a boat, three weeks ago too as it turns out, it had been our dream for a long time.  I can't wait for our first adventure, which is the only thing in my life that has been disrupted by all this, but hopefully not for long.

So, there you have it, my middle of the night ramblings, I'll blame the steroids which I should come off tomorrow.  I might then get more sleep and spare you the jumpled thoughts of my chemically enhanced brain!

Up and about and feeling good

I almost feel normal today, apart from the mad panic attack like feelings which I have finally narrowed down to being withdrawal from cutting down on steroids and also side effects of one of the anti sickness meds.

Being encouraged to go out for a walk helped immensely and while out and about I actually felt myself again.  Held it together all day and managed to get the kids to their birthday party and stay until the end.  A small achievement but it means the world to me at the moment.  Thank you to the lovely people who have shared my day and perked me up no end :-))))

Still nauseous but finding things that work, unfortunately mostly including eating unhealthy things like white bread and crisps!

How am I doing today???

I have had this message via FB or text or phone at least fifteen times today......if one was you,  don't feel bad and don't apologise, I know everyone is thinking of me and It makes me feel very loved knowing that you all want to hear I am ok.

The fact is I am pretty floored, I feel sick constantly which I can handle as I spent most of my pregnancies in this way.  But I get exhausted doing the smallest of things and this is frustrating beyond belief to me as when I am ill I like to get on with things and take my mind off it.  I HATE lying in bed.

I did carve a tiny weeny pumpkin with Isla and made pumpkin cookies though :-)  and Abi went out with a friend and came back with the most enormous pumpkin ever.  Her and Daddy carved it tonight.  So we have a giant dog pumpkin and a baby cat pumpkin.  Both girls super excited about their friends Halloween birthday party tomorrow.

More poking and proding

So, what did I need after such an eventful weekend?  Well, a day in bed mightn't have been too shabby but instead I was treated to a day of hospital outpatient appointments!  Why they couldn't have scheduled theses at a different time than two days after chemo is beyond me but apparently hospitals just don't work that way, the referring doc sends a request to the appropriate department and  they just send you an appointment.  Unfortunately the effect is that you feel like an object rather thn a person.

So first up today was cardiology, not been to that department before, it was at the exact opposite end of the hospital from the outpatient department, so about a mile walk!!! (Not really but seemed like it the ways was feeling).  There I had an echocardiogram, basically an ultrasound of the heart, they checked all the valves were working as they should and measured the thickness of my heart muscles.  Adrian got to see really cool pictures of venous and arterial blood flow which I unfortunately missed as had to be facing the opposite way - gutted as it was wasted on Adrian!  I got to hear blood going through each of my heart valves though, that was pretty cool.  All was good and as far as I know I'll have a few more of these throughout to check no adverse effect on the heart from the chemo.

Next on the agenda was an ultrasound, we had no idea what this was for despite trying to find out at chemo on Friday.  It turns out it was to put a marker into the middle of the cancer tumour - yikes, didn't like the sound of that after my bad experience of the biopsy.  However, it turned out not to be to bad.  They gave local anaesthetic first then made a cut and inserted a needle with a kind of metal coil on the end, after it was in place I had to go for another mammogram to check it was all in place, then that was that.  So, sore boob for another week or so again but the purpose of the marker is that if we have the best possible outcome and the chemo shrinks the tumour then they can see where it was when they have to remove the tissue.  So, lets hope this happens for me. Nasty chemo stuff, do your magic.  Nausea I can deal with. :-)

Being looked after

My girls are throwing themselves into the doctor and nurse role play with full force........Abi is learning quickly from Doctor Grandma and as just come up to nag me about whether I have taken my medicine before I ate my dinner!  Isla came to administer the stickers for ' good going to the Doctor Mummy'. :-)

Not the best start....

As expected I responded quite dramatically to the chemo....I was prepared for sickness and vommiting as I know I was prone to it in both pregnancies.  Just wasn't quite prepared for the sudden onset and violence of it all.

I was totally fine for the first 4 hours, then started to feel a little queezy, then within half an hour started vommiting, this contined every half hour to 45 mins.  I had been sent home with two anti sickness drugs and a box of injections to be administered by the district nurse if it didn't get under control.  Unfortunately, being the weekend, the district nurse didn't contact us as promised so after a call to bournemouth hospital my mum gave me the injection (which, those of you who know her will not be surprised, she was planning to do anyway with or without permission....she is a doctor so not too outrageous a plan).  Anyway, that did nothing so I was sent to Poole hospital as bournemouth no longer have an inpatient onco ward.....not the best trip to make from here while sick, about forty min drive :-(  After a couple of hours faffing around I was finally given another injection and put on a drip at about 4 am, that finally did the trick and the vommiting stopped.

Have been wiped out and on a drip to replenish fluids for the last 24 hours but am now home and all more under control.  Still nauseous but no more than in pregnancy so am used to it.

Needless to say its not been a great start but hopefully I'll recover over the next few days and feel a bit more normal.  Thank you so much for all the support from so many people, the messages, help with the children, offers of help and support, and just kind words and love and hugs.  It is all so very appreciated and makes me feel stronger to know there are so many people behind me. 

Love to you all xxx

Survived first Chemo

I made it!!  Chemo number one down :-) And I'm still me - I've not turned purple or developed green polka dots or anything!  It was possibly one of the most terrifying experiences of my life, but it was just the thought of it all, once the drugs were actually going in it was fine, and you can't feel anything.   It was slightly disturbing watching the nurse pop six little white pills and two large yellow ones into a plastic cup and then expecting me just to take it.......no, no, no ,no, I had to know exactly what they were and what they were for.....then of course I did take them because I had to, but I wanted to exert at least a small amout of resistance!  So the big ones are strong anti sickness and the little ones were steroids to stop inflammation and for sickness too.

Then they brought out the chemo drugs- blimy, what a lot of liquid to go into one person.....three massive big syringes full (200ml each!) of pink stuff - this is the one that's gonna make me bald, and also make me pee pink for a few days :-), then goes one large syringe full (200ml again) of clear drug.  All followed by desert of a bag full of more clear liquid, the final drug.  This last one made my nose and sinuses burn, but that was the only effect during the whole thing and it only lasted about twenty minutes.

I have been sent home with a bag full of different pills for sickness and vommiting which I have to take over the next few days to keep on top of it.  For now, I feel fine but side effects tend to kick in after a few hours or the next day.

Feel good that its all over, next time will be a breeze.

To end with something nice, here is me this morning with my new haircut that everyone seems to love, I've had lots of compliments, thank you all. Xxxxx

Hair today....gone tomorrow

Cut my hair myself with a little help from Adrian.  I had to have plaits of at least 7 inches so that they could be donated to the little princess trust which is a charity who provide wigs for children who have lost their hair.

And the finished product.......

Fit as a fiddle.

Fit as a fiddle, where does that phrase come from?  Does anyone know?  Anyway, following all my tests yesterday, that is what I am....in tip top condition.  And after my dentist trip today my teeth will be too.  Hooray, all set for the poisonous chemicals!

Today is probably going to be haircut day so here are the 'before' shots

T minus 1 day

It really feels like a countdown now, but I know already that Friday will probably be such an anticlimax.  At the moment it feels like on Friday I will become a different person, no longer be me, I know logically that that isn't true, but I can't help feeling it.  I was reminded today the importance of just having fun and how good it was to hang out with friends (you know who you are and all stories will remain confidential!!!!!!).

No doubt this whole thing will change me, but I don't really feel the need to be changed, so frustrating, for once in my life I am happy with being me.  While (or should it be whilst??, im sure my English teacher friends can correct me!) chatting to a close friend a few months ago, I was saying how happy I was, and how I had decided to live life in the moment, and seize every opportunity, how I had decided to step outside my comfort zone and do things I had always wanted to, like take singing lessons.  Adrian and I had decided, even though it was perhaps not financially the most sensible thing to do, to buy our new boat, because you only live once. We knew we would eventually get this boat so we thought, although it might stretch us, lets just do it now, while the kids are young, and enjoy it.  I didn't need cancer to teach me to live life to the full, I had already decided to  do that.  But, who knows, maybe there is another life lesson I am destined to learn.  I am always open to learning more.  However, I hope I don't change too much through this experience, because I kind of like me just the way I am.  Sorry if that sounds self conceited but that's just the way I feel.

Ps, I have just written this under the influence of a whole bottle of procecco so I reserve the right to deny anything just written!!  Also I will deny the fact that I dared drink alcohol 48 hours before chemo to any oncologist I may come in contact with!
X

A busy day!

Well following my mini shopping spree (spent way to much on silly things like over priced socks from fat face) I went for my appointment at the Chemo ward.  The nurse was lovely and talked me through everything.....skip the next paragraph or four if you don't require the details!

So, I'll be having three cycles of FEC which is a combination of three drugs...fluorouracil, epirubicin and cyclophosphamide. Then three cycles of Docetaxel (commonly called Tax). Each cycle is 3 weeks.  Each drug has its own unique side effects but the common ones are:

nausea and sickness, apparently if you are prone to travel or morning sickness you are more likely to be hit hard by this......that'll be me then, six months of nausea with both girls and vomiting for a lot of that!  At least I know what to expect and I've been through it before and can do it again, just a shame there is not the reward of a cute little baby at the end of it!

Fatigue...this can come and go but can get worse as a cumulative effect over the whole period.

Hair loss...I asked and it is pretty much guaranteed on this combo of drugs....interesting fact, you can actually loose ALL hair by the end, even the hairs in your nose and ears!!!  There is the option of a 'cold cap' to try and save your head hair.  This involves wearing a helmet with frozen liquid in it (basically a giant ice pack) on your head for  an hour before, during and up to an hour after chemo.  Apparently it hurts, a lot, for the first ten mins and then goes numb.  The idea of it is to restrict blood flow to your scalp and therefore give some protection to the hair follicles from the chemo.  I think I am going to politely decline this little delight for several reasons.  I think freezing my scalp can't be good for it (not that chemo drugs are either but I have no choice in that).  I think freezing my hair
won't be good for it- mega frizzy bad hair day.   If I want to try to save my hair I'll need to only wash it twice a week so it will look manky most of the time anyway.  Finally, after some research it often only works partially anyway so you end up with bald patches and those with thicker hair tend to have less success because basically my thick curly mass is going to insulate my scalp quite well and it probably won't be cooled enough.  So I have resigned myself to loosing it, apparently from day 14.  I'm cool about it though, I've often had urges to shave my head and wondered what it would be like, never had the balls to though so now life is giving me that opportunity!  The only thing that slightly terrifies me is that it grows back differently, which is possible, after wishing my hair was any other way than it is for the majority of my life I had actually come to quite love it over the past few years.  Can't imagine having straight hair, but we'll cross that bridge later.

Wow, I seem to have written a lot about hair!  It's weird that this is the thing people are most traumatised about with chemo.  I guess it's because it's the thing that really makes you LOOK sick and like a 'patient'.  I may feel differently when it actually happens, but for now I'm ok with the idea.  Not so much with the thought of a wig though!  Have declined that avenue too, for the time being.

There are additional side effects when it comes to the Docetaxel but I'll bore you with that when I switch on to it!

So, after my visit to chemo ward, I had the delight of the dentist, and guess what?.......I have to go back on Thursday for a filling.......you have got to be kidding me!

Tomorrow I have 'pre-chemo assessment'. I will have this every time.  I have to go to pathology for blood tests, then x-ray department for chest x- ray to make sure no infection, then cardiology for ECG, then up to chemo ward again for height, weight, blood pressure and a catch up with the Oncologist!  Bournemouth hospital is all on just two levels so all this running between departments is a real work out and you need a degree in orienteering just to find your way around!

After all that (and the filling on Thursday) I should be all set for Friday.  The good thing about them doing all this before hand is that on the day I just need to have bloods again (don't ask me why they take it on wed as well) then the actual chemo which should take about an hour, so if I don't do the cold cap I will be in and out in a couple of hours.

My mum is here now and diligently reading through all the bumf (is this a real word?) I got given......then I predict going to criticise, argue or rebuff at least some of it :-)