What is chemo really like?.....

This is a question I keep getting asked and what people want to know is the practicalities of what it is.  It is a mysterious thing to most people (as it was to me a couple of months ago).  The thing is there are literally hundreds of different chemotherapy regimes.  Some are tablet form, some, like mine are intravenous, some are given daily, some weekly, some fortnightly, three weekly etc.  I don't even know all the possible combinations and routines.  Each type of cancer has drugs that have been designed specifically for it.  Most people being treated for a primary Breast cancer will be on a very similar regime and set of drugs to me.  Although, even within Breast Cancers it varies slightly and there are a whole different sent of drugs to treat secondary Breast Cancers (when it has spread outside of the breast to other parts of the body).  

As you know I am currently on a combination of three drugs which are given intravenously over the space of about an hour and a half.  These are at quite high doses and so three weeks is the minimum amount of time they can leave between the dose due to the effects of the drugs on non cancer cells, primarily the blood.  Some people have lower doses but more frequently.  Then next drug I am going to have for the next three cycles - Docetaxol is often given at smaller doses weekly, but as far as I know I am sticking to the three week routine.  I think the variation depends partly on protocols at the particular hospital.  The advantage of the weekly regime is that the side effects will be less due to lower dose but the disadvantage is you have to go in every week. 

The actual getting of the 'stuff' is not a big deal.  For me they put a cannula in my arm, connect a saline drip and then slowly syringe in the ridiculous amounts of the pink stuff then the clear stuff, then they change the saline drip for a drip of the other clear stuff.  The whole thing takes about an hour and a half then I go home.  It is not painful and other than a burning feeling in my nose and sinuses I feel no immediate effect from the drugs.  But this is just the start...it's the weeks that follow when your body is desperately fighting to repair itself from the damage the poison has done, that's the tough part.  A 'cycle' of Chemotherapy is the time from one dose to the next, so for me three weeks.

Each type of chemotherapy drug has its own, lovely, unique side effects.  Some people have said to me - oh, I know such and such a person and 'they were fine on chemotherapy', or 'their hair didn't fall out', or 'they carried on just as normal', or 'it didn't affect them at all'.......well good for them......note for future - none of these statements are particularly helpful to someone on Chemotherapy! Not only do all drugs do different things and have different effect, each person reacts in their own unique way

The Truth?.....having chemotherapy is like having the life slowly sucked out of you.  Dramatic statement but unfortunately that's where I'm at right now.  Oh, don't worry, I am staying positive and still plodding on and I am very aware there is an end in sight.  But so many people ask me what it's like and what they mean is the practical aspects and what if feels like physically.  However, it is the emotional toll that is the real battle, a daily fight to keep living life and not curl up in a ball and shut down.  Life sucking poison, that's what Chemotherapy is.  Yet it is saving my life...killing the thing that is trying to kill me, how do you get your head around that?  

A dichotomous marvel of medicine.

I didn't actually intend to come on here and rant, sorry.  I am very tired at the moment and am once again writting this at stupid O'clock in the morning as another wonder of Chemotherapy is that I wake up at 3ish every night, no idea why, but I can rarely sleep after that! We have had a stupidly busy weekend with various activities, climaxing with Isla's Birthday Party on Sunday.  We are all feeling wiped out now!  It was a great party though and Isla had lots of fun even though she has a horrible cold and isn't sleeping well.  Here are some pictures.  Without my beautiful little people in my life it would be far, far too easy to just shut down and self destruct.  As exhausting as they are, thank goodness for their needy little voices that rise above all else.